


the ghost of survivor guilt can be so unkind

by OliveBranch_10



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Angst, Character Death, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, M/M, Major Character Injury, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Sad Ending, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:48:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24009118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliveBranch_10/pseuds/OliveBranch_10
Summary: His name is Anakin Skywalker, he is the hero with no fear, and he's dying. But really it's fine, there's no need for tears to be shed. It was always going to be like this, when someone would offer him to try again he'd do it the same way. Anakin knows himself, he would always be willing to die for Obi-wan.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 8
Kudos: 125





	the ghost of survivor guilt can be so unkind

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in an hour, am too lazy to spellcheck bc im secretly watching Indiana jones oop. Enjoy <3

His name is Anakin Skywalker, he is the hero with no fear, and he's dying. But really it's fine, there's no need for tears to be shed. It was always going to be like this, when someone would offer him to try again he'd do it the same way. Anakin knows himself, he would always be willing to die for Obi-wan. He would accept any mission similar to this one that made the Force inside him rebel against the whole notion of it. To save the man he loves, to protect him from harm, and to make him see another day is more than enough. He will take the pride of having survived through the worst heartache known to man and he will take pride in dying for the love of his life. His name is Anakin Skywalker, and he will die with no fear (but with a heart full regret).

But like all heartaches, a story doesn't begin at its ending, but the beginning hurts just as much if Anakin is to be believed. 

-

He is often reminiscent on the development of his love for Obi-wan, it was slow and he hadn’t even known it to be love that ran so deep until he nearly lost it. But don’t blame him for Anakin is from the desert and there are different rules in no-mans-land. But now that he’s lying here bleeding out on an unknown planet, he can’t help but remember how he came to understand that love in all his forms is the most excruciating pain there is and yet he welcomed it every day. But learning that took him a long time.

_“Love_ ,” Padmé told him softly, “love doesn't happen all at once, but it happens slowly in stages.” He’d scoffed then but he knows better now.   
  
“At first” Padmé whispered, “there is infuriation.”  
  
He had grinned then, told her how much his Master infuriated him. Told her that no man like his master could get under his skin like that. “I don’t understand him” he finally confessed softly after he was done laughing and joking and Padmé’s eyes had been soft. “One day I think he cares for me and the next day I think he rather wishes we never met.” She didn’t answer and up until today he’s grateful for that because the doubt still lingers, even now when he’s bleeding out in the middle of nowhere with a broken communicator.   
  
-

  
‘Second’ Padmé hummed, softly slapping his hands away from her cake muttering about his own slice and greedy teenage boys. ‘Second stage is acceptance.’ He never answered that question. Instead he distracted Padmé with simple force tricks and explained some Huttese curse words. 

When he was nineteen and almost knighted did he understand what she meant. The acceptance meant that he learned to love the flaws that irked him. Learned to be content with the meagre praise and even learned to love it. He no longer saw his master’s words as angry scolding but realized that they were trying to improve him. He dreams of Obi-wan’s sparkling eyes and soft mouth and it no longer feels harsh. There’s nothing he would deny Obi-wan, and it’s frightening to realize how he would destroy the world for one man. It’s the first time that he’s not scared to think he’s a bad Jedi. Anakin accepts, accepts that with loving comes consequences.   
  
-  
  
It takes years before he can ask Padmé the other stages. It makes her snicker but she grins in blue holo projector light. “I don’t have a word for it. It’s a feeling, the warm rush, a smile, holding hands, having inside jokes.” His heart clenched and he knew then even more than before that love is all of that, but it hurt even more. Anakin longed for his master’s rare touch, dreamt of his soft smile and snarky remarks. All to chase the cold of war away. “The fourth?” he asked, and he remembers how desperate he sounded, because there had to be a stage that caused him less anguish?. 

-

The fourth stage is comfort. Anakin allowed himself that. And even now when he’s pretty sure he’s dying he will allow himself the comfort of thoughts. Because when Padmé told him, there had been no comfort only pain. Anger at himself for speaking up, for telling Obi-wan that he loved him so dearly that it hurt. Anger at Obi-wan for knowing what the confession was but deliberately calling Anakin his brother. But here in the cave, half collapsed with rubble, he will grant himself the comfort of love. To ease his mind with the fondest memories he has, to memories that light the fires in his belly and make him swoon with his heart overflowing. To love Obi-wan is a comfort, even to a dying man.

-

He remembers Padmé’s hesitance to tell him the fifth stage. “The fifth and final stage is unconditional love.” she said spine straight and shoulders squared. And Anakin had nodded, had understood the strength she portrayed as a support for him. Because it’s true, he fully and unconditionally loves his Master, loves Obi-wan more than anyone in a way he had never loved before.   
But to love someone unconditionally is terrifying and hard. Anakin loves Obi-wan unconditionally and he knows he shouldn’t. They’re Jedi and to have a bond so deep is a mockery of all they are, and yet Anakin can not stop himself. For he hears Obi-wan’s laugh echoing in the the rustling of leaves, he recognizes the stars that twinkled in his Obi-wan’s eyes in every galaxy, and he feels the man’s presence pulsing through the force even when they’re apart. 

“To love someone so blindly and fullheartedly is to stand trial for the Gods, for only their judgement counts no other can take that love away.” Padme had smiled morosely, for they both knew that Anakin would walk that trail alone. 

His eyes become heavier and the sound of his heartbeat echoes louder in his ears with each rasping breath and for a complete moment of clarity, Anakin knows that this is it. His next breath will be his last.   
  
There is a certain sadness in not being able to say goodbye, but perhaps it is better this way. He had said his piece, it might not be a perfect happy ending but at least Anakin can look himself in the eye and say, 

“Well Skywalker, at least you tried.”  
  
~  
  
  
  
When Obi-wan reaches the entrance of the collapsed cave he's hit with a sudden wave of overwhelming grief. And he knows that the weak signal of Anakin’s communicator will bring him nothing but despair. And yet he must continue, must bring Anakin home. Give him a proper burial, bring him to rest and say his final goodbyes. But Obi-wan can't tell himself this, not yet, not until he finds him, And isn’t it bittersweet that Anakin told him he loved him, but now that Obi-wan realizes he loves him too, and he can’t say it back. He can’t say it back because he was scared and now Anakin is dead.

He cradles the pale body of his former padawan in his arms, presses his face into the crook of his neck and pretends that the warmth of his tears is the warmth that always radiated from Anakin.

He weeps then, cries in anguish and begs Anakin, begs the Force and anyone to bring him back. But no one responds and Obi-wan stays alone in an empty cave, mourning the love he never had.

“I love you too” 

**Author's Note:**

> send me prompts on tumblr: @anakinskywalkher


End file.
